Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
