happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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