you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
