That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
