I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
