why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
