I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
