Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
