Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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