I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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