You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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