Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
