If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
