I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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