Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
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