Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
