Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
