I think i sorta joined a cult last night
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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