Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
