I'd wear matching sweaters with you
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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