I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
farters have to be the big spoon...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
