Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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