someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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