I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
