If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize