How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Come on in and take your pants off
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
