Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
