So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
