Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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