I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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