Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
