It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
