this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
