I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My dick has a subreddit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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