I wish they made helmets for livers.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
