remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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