it hurts more in the daytime
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
