He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
