two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
