Say something about gay babies.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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