Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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