I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I think i got beer on your cat.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
