I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
