I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
