I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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