I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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