I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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