Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
