i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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