dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
