I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
