turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
