I cockslap morals
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
it's like iHOP with fire
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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