Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You did what with his pubic hair?
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