Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
