got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
my shit smells like andre
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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