fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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