Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
