when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
