this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
