so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
