On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
