you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
